"So, uh... what's taking so long?"
"Stupid receptionist. This is taking FOREVER..."
"Right... it's the receptionist. Shall I pummel-"
"No, save it. Trust me... once the confusion is cleared up, everything will be fine... we'll be in Villain Boot Camp, and I'll FINALLY get to gain enough knowledge to conquer this puny planet!"
Name: Mazar (the Bloodthirsty)
Race: Vampire (prince)
Age: Who gives a rip? I LOOK 18... but I'm a vampire. Good luck figuring it out...
Hair: Blond (spiked)
Eye color: Red like your blood
Appearance: A vampire. Y'know, black cloak, irresistibly handsome face, black cloak, the whole shebang...
Hobbies: KILLING YOU!
Reason for attending: Need to improve my leadership skills after an unfortunate INCIDENT in which many minions found themselves locked in a chamber containing numerous dragons, chimeras, banshees, and one particularly irate ferret.
Name: Hench (real name unknown... even by me)
Race: Nameless henchmen (Mazar said it was a real race)
Age: Um... yes?
Hair: ...Phone a friend?
Eye color: I'm... not sure... okay, maybe if I shift my left eye REALLY far to the right, I can see- OW, that hurts!
Appearance: Gray armored uniform with a visor that shields my face from view. Um... typical nameless henchman equipment, I'm told.
Hobbies: Wandering away from teammates to investigate suspicious noises, getting doctors to open the cells of prisoners, leaving all best equipment lying in unlocked treasure chests
Reason for attending: Mazar said I was the most tolerable of his henchmen. He also said something about me being the most alive after the "incident." I don't get it.
*in the camp lobby...*
Receptionist: *looks at applications and pictures for Mazar and Hench* ......*puts down pictures to look at the real thing.
Mazar: >: (
Receptionist: ...Hm... you two don't LOOK like the proper material for this...
Mazar: Well, we ARE. >: ( I am a PRINCE among vampires, you see...
Receptionist: AH, I get it! You're out to defy your heritage. ^_^ Very well then, please proceed... *opens door*
Mazar: -_- FINALLY. *walks through door*
Mazar and his cohort, Hench, enter an oddly welcoming entrance hall for a Villain Boot Camp...
Shiny crystals: *are shiny and welcoming*
Food: *is hot and welcoming*
Clown: *is a clown* *welcomes people*
See? Very shiny and hospitable. Now, on to the welcome...
Mazar: *sits at a table with Hench* Hm... you know, something's off here... *picks up a pamphlet and reads*
Hench: *looks around*
Poster: "Gain that EXP or DIE!"
Mazar: I mean, I expected something a bit DARKER... and more torturous...
Poster 2: "Villains are villains! Enemies are the enemy!"
Mazar: Perhaps this is all to just throw us off guard... to show us that no environment is truly safe...
Orphans: *dance and sing in a circle* We like being heroes! We like being heroes! We finish quests, we ace our tests, oh we like being heroes!
Hench: ...!!! *taps Mazar's shoulder*
Mazar: XO Shut UP! I'm finishing reading this thing... *turns page in pamphlet*
Hench: Sir... we're...
Mazar: ...*reads last page* ...O_O No way...
Hench: Sir, the...
Mazar: The shiny lights... the sickeningly hospitable welcome... the lack of Diet Count Pibb to accommodate the health-conscious vampire... I... what happened!? How could this be!?
WE'RE IN HERO CAMP!!!!!
Welcome to My World
Chapter 1: World Welcomes You
In the year 1337 (that's "who gives a rip" in Dras Language), there are two training grounds recognized by the entire world. Each one specializes in raising up elite soldiers for its own army to combat the opposing soldiers trained by the opposing grounds.
These are the Hero Camp and the Villain Camp.
For eons, these two sides have opposed these other and remained in an eternal deadlock. Although each side won battles in the world here and there, no one side ever remained in its seat of power for more than one thousand years. (That's the standard time for usurpations, don't ya know.)
Normally, the systems in these plants are fluid and accurate.
However, one year, there was a bit of a mix-up... and now...
The prince of evil vampires has been forced to attend Hero Camp.
Now, he finds himself in the courtyard, where he awaits his briefing for his first training mission along with the crowd of other new recruits...</i>
Mazar: *stands in the grassy courtyard* (Okay, calm down. I'll get through this. After all, it's JUST Hero Camp... consider it a way to learn about the opposing faction... Just stay calm and don't draw attention...)
Hench: *looks at sheet of paper* Hey, they released a notice about our instructor. *hands Mazar a sheet* Here, try-
Mazar: >: ( *sets sheet aflame and tosses it towards another enlistee*
Random hero: *hair catches fire* O_O AH! BURNING! I'M BURNIIINNNNG!!! *runs around in circles*
Mazar: Ha ha. Misery is funny. ^_^
Hench: ...Okay... I'll read it to both of us.
Race: NOBLE AND QUIET KNIGHT!
Age: NONE OF YOUR BEESWAX, YOUNG'UN!
Hair: CAN'T SEE IT FOR MY HELMET!
Eye color: BLUE LIKE THE FLOWING FIELDS OF... WHEAT... WATER! WHEATWATER!
Appearance: HEAVY ARMOR!!!
Hobbies: BEATIN' UP ON THE NEWBIES AND GETTIN' THEM SOME LEARNIN'!!!!
Reason for instructing: The new recruits are our future. THEY ARE ALSO VERY SQUISHY AND EASY TO KICK AROUND!!!
Hench: Reading this made my ears hurt.
Mazar: Sorry, Hench, I stopped paying attention about when I lost interest. Which was before you even started reading.
Hench: So, when do you think our instructor will arrive?
Mazar: Probably once he's done getting his pedicure. -_-
Hench: Do you think the cost of attending covers those-
Recruits: O_O AAAHHH!! *fall over*
Dril: *bursts up through the ground itself* WELCOME TO HERO CAMP, NEWBIES!!!!
Mazar: *gets up and dusts self off* -_- Oh, won't this be a jolly time...
Dril: *gets out of hole and stands tall* Get used to seeing this ground, soldiers... because you will be here a LOT!!! And I expect you ALL to respect this property and keep it in tip-top shape AT ALL TIMES!!!!
Mazar: Is this including the giant hole you just made in the lawn?
Dril: THAT HOLE WAS CUSTOM-MADE FOR MY INTRODUCTION, SOLDIER! You are not to interfere with it IN ANY WAY!!! Don't even THINK about doing anything to that hole, for it is camp property!
Dril: *jumps through hole*
Hole: *is filled with water*
Dril: Oh no, it is difficult to breathe things that are not air!
Dril: *jumps through hole*
Hole: *is corked*
Dril: *hits head* OW! It is difficult to jump through things that are not air!
Dril: *jumps through hole*
Hole: *is filled with very sharp swords*
Dril: OW! It is difficult to jump through things that make me bleed!
Dril: *jumps through hole*
Hole: *is empty*
Dril: *lands on other side* HA! I have successfully made it through this time!
Godzilla: *eats Dril*
Dril: AH! IT IS DIFFICULT TO LIVE WHILE BEING EATEN!
Mazar: ^_^ Hehe...
Dril: *kicks* XO I SAW YOU THINKING!!!
Mazar: XO Not my fault if you invited it!
Hench: Shall I pummel-
Mazar: Save it.
Dril: Pummeling is not allowed anyway, soldier!
Obnoxious recruit: Ha ha, pwned!
Mazar: Hench, pummel his organs.
Hench: GRAAAA! *tackles Recruit offscreen; punching sounds are heard*
Obnoxious recruit: Wait... OW!!! THAT HURTS!!!
Dril: *ahem* Now, formalities aside, it's time to get you rookies briefed on your first training mission!
Obnoxious recruit: The pain! The searing pain of my poor organs! T_T
Dril: Now, your first job is that of any newbie hero. You must first START your quest in a small castle town! *points to several simulated castle towns in the courtyard*
Obnoxious recruit: Ow, my liver! Ow, my spleen! Ow, my skin! Ow, my duodenum!
Dril: As any good Warrior of the Light, you must begin by introducing yourself to the local royalty...
Obnoxious recruit: I don't know what that organ was or what it did, but I take great pain in knowing that it can no longer serve its purpose. T_T
Dril: Now GO! You will be given all the necessary supplies to prove that you are this podunk town's savior! GET OUT THERE AND PROVE THAT YOU'RE NOT COMPLETELY USELESS!!!
Hench: *walks back to Mazar*
Mazar: Did you finish?
Hench: I'll check. *turns to Obnoxious Recruit*
Obnoxious Recruit: *in body cast* O_O AAAAHHHH!!!!
Mazar: Yep, you're done. ^_^
Dril: ARE THERE ANY QUESTIONS!?
Mazar: *raises hand* Yes. You are incredibly ugly and annoying.
Dril: That was not a question, soldier!
Mazar: All right then. WHY are you so incredibly ugly and annoying?
Dril: Because your face. >: (
Annoying Recruit: Ha ha-
Hench: *holds up picture of a liver and punches it*
Annoying Recruit: ...o_o
Later, in the simulated castle town...
Mazar: *walks up to the castle gates*
Two Knights: *block path* HALT! Who goes there!?
Mazar: I am Mazar the Bloodthirsty, son of-
Knight 1: That sounds evil.
Knight 2: Yeah, you're probably an assassin!
Knight 1: Or maybe you're just not cool!
Knight 2: Yeah, not cool people are never invited into the castle!
Hench: Shall I-
Mazar: Save it. I want to see if any of this actually makes sense.
Knight 1: Oh, I know! Maybe he's, like... an UNCOOL NERD ASSASSIN!
Knight 2: Like, with dorky glasses and a pocket protector?
Knight 1: And a Teletubby assassination knife!
Mazar: Nope, no dice. Okay, figure out where their most painful organs are, and-
Knight 1: The only way you may pass is if you were SOMEHOW the one with the Mark of the Hero!
Knight 2: Yeah, but the odds of that are the same odds of you being cool!
Knight 1: Which are NOTHING!
Mazar: ...Wait... you mean this thing? *takes out a nickel*
Knights: O_O GASP! *jump back*
Hench: ...Did they just SAY "Gasp"?
Knight 1: That is the Mark of the Hero!
Knight 2: It's the Mark that only a Hero could have!
Mazar: Unless, y'know, I stole it or something...
Knight 1: Impossible!
Knight 2: Because he said so!
Knight 1: *bows to Mazar* What do you wish, o great one!?
Mazar: (I wish you were both dead.) *sigh* Well, I've come to see the king...
Hench: They just did it again.
Mazar: You have quite a talent for stating the obvious.
Knight 1: We are looking at two strangers who bear the Mark of the Hero...
Mazar: It's a NICKEL! XO
Knight 1: Two complete strangers... who bear one very small implement that denotes a truly epic amount of power that could easily destroy kingdoms and the people who rule them!
Knight 2: These are the PERFECT people to let, unguarded, into the chamber that houses the one person whose life keeps our fair land from plunging into total anarchy!
Knight 1: Agreed!
Knights: *move out of the way* PROCEED!
Mazar: ...Right. *walks into the gates...*
In the throne room...
King: *paces back and forth in front of his throne* Oh, what am I to do... what am I to do? T_T
Chancellor: You could stop being in character... you're only getting paid to do this while people are here, you know. -_- *drinks coffee*
King: >_> I... don't think we have coffee in this time period...
Chancellor: Oh, shut up. >: ( Like you know anything...
*knock, knock, knock*
King: O_O He's here! *turns to Chancellor* Hide your coffee!
Chancellor: *throws coffee on King*
Chancellor: Oops. ^_^
Mazar's voice: HEY! Open up!
Hench's voice: Don't make me kick this door down with my head!
Mazar's voice: He can also headbutt it with his foot. It's quite a sight, really.
King: Well... I'm afraid we're discussing important business right now, and...
Mazar: *bursts in by using Hench as a battering ram* >: )
Hench: My head is useful!
Mazar: *tosses Hench to the side* All right, listen up... we're gonna get this over with as fast as possible, you hear? I just spent most of my day wandering this maze of a place, asking people for directions... which they wouldn't GIVE, by the way! I had to listen to people talk about their pathetic love interests, some giant demon things, ancient legends... plus, this one guy wouldn't shut up about wonderful the chef's Fish Tongue Soup was!
Old man: *walks up to random man* The chef here makes wonderful Fish Tongue Soup, you know.
Man: I don't know you. O_o
Old man: He makes it with the tongues of the Jiminy Fish.
Man: The what now?
Old man: But those are very rare... they're only found in one lake, and I hear there's only one left in the entire world!
Man: I find your statistics questionable. How could you KNOW that there's only one-
Old man: Why, it's those blasted Cacatinamuses eatin' all those fishes! If only some hero would step up to stop-
Old man: .........
Kid: *walks by*
Old Man: The chef here makes wonderful Fish Tongue Soup, you know.
Mazar: So, you can understand if I'm a bit impatient. >: (
King: Oh, absolutely! On to business... you must be the legendary hero I've heard so much about!
Mazar: Do what now?
King: I've heard that there's someone in this castle that bears the Mark of the Hero! Yes, you look exactly like the one they described...
Mazar: That's me, but how'd word of that get up here faster than I did? O_o And who's "they"!?
King: Oh... people... now, back to business! You see, my kingdom is in a shambles and-
Mazar: Well, there goes any awesome reward I might get. -_- I'm outta here... *walks toward door*
King: Wait! You must help! We're under siege by an evil force, and our defenses are crumbling!
Mazar: ...Wait. Defenses crumbling, you say?
King: Yes... my soldiers are defecting... our walls are crumbling...
Mazar: Hench, start taking notes.
Hench: *writes on a notepad*
King: Our magic power sources that have worked for one thousand years are failing... we're losing our grasp of technology... we're EXTREMELY vulnerable to outside threats... and my greatest generals have all gone missing!
Mazar: In light of all these things... do you think that you could feasibly be conquered by, say, an elite squadron of undead vampire soldiers?
King: Oh, I doubt you'd even need elite ones at this point. Or even average ones. Honestly, at this point, a Gnome with a pointy stick could probably topple this place in a day.
Mazar: ...Good to know. >: )
King: Hey, that's an odd look. In fact, it reminds me of the Chancellor's reaction every time I mention that a fortress has fallen...
Mazar: Oh, I'm sure it's just coincidence. Or it might not be. It doesn't matter now.
Mazar: *unsheathes a large sword* Because you're not the king anymore. >: )
King: ...This wasn't in the script. o_o
Elsewhere... in the Instructor's Barracks...
Ken: GREETINGS MALIBU BARBIE PERSON!!!! WOULD YOU LIKE TO DRIVE IN MY FANCY TRADEMARK MATTEL BARBIE CAR!?
Barbie: SHUT UP YOU JERK-FACE!!! I'M GONNA KILL YOU!!! *slaps*
Ken: HEY, MY FACE WAS JUST MOLDED!!!! *explodes*
Barbie: HAHAHAHAHAHA EXPLOSIONS!!! *explodes*
Dril: *throws firecrackers at random dolls* DIE, VILE GIRLY THINGS!!! DIE!!!
Dril: WHAT!? I was just getting to Baby Pees Her Pants A Lot! *turns to a monitor* WHAT IS IT!?
King: *is wearing no shirt and a paper bag on his head* Um... hello, Officer Dril...
Dril: WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU!? AND WHY IS THERE A BAG ON YOUR HEAD!?
King: Well... *ahem* We ran into a COMPLICATION with the group led by Mazar...
Dril: What kind of complication!?
King: Well... erm...
Dril: SPIT IT OUT OR I'LL TAKE AWAY YOUR LICENCE TO KILL SMALL CREATURES!!!
King: ...There's been a coup. o_o
King: Yes... you see, Mazar decided to take charge of the kingdom and-
Dril: YOU WEREN'T EVEN RULING A REAL KINGDOM!!! That place was just a fake, TRAINING kingdom!!!
King: Well, it's real now... in fact, Mazar did an excellent job of organizing the military. See, he and his army of giant robots-
Dril: WHAT!? Where did he get an army of giant robots!?
King: From the giant robot factory.
Dril: ...*slams head on desk* WHAT giant robot factory!?
King: The one he built with the castle's funds. (Most of which were left in unguarded treasure chests...)
Dril: ...*slams head on desk again* Well, what's the situation now!?
King: Well, he managed to put together that army very quickly and efficiently... and he's already began his campaign! He and his army have started annexing, and-
Dril: ...Annexing WHAT!? Other parts of the courtyard!?
King: Yes... so far, he has... *takes out a list*
King: He has... two fountains... a few square feet of highly fertile grassland... the water fountain... and that picnic table that the nerds used to play Yu-Gi-Oh.
Nerd: *looks at picnic table*
Table: *has the nerd's Yu-Gi-Oh cards still on it*
Giant robot: *watches* ........
Nerd: ...*reaches hand toward cards*
Giant robot: *slaps hand away* >: (
Nerd: Ow! T.T ...*reaches*
Giant robot: *slaps*
Nerd: Ow! T.T ...*reaches*
Giant robot: *slaps*
Nerd: Ow! T.T
Dril: ...So let me guess... you want ME to come and fix it, right!?
King: That'd be good, yes...
Dril: -_- FINE! But there'd better be NO more screw-ups like this in the future. >: (
King: Understood. T_T
Dril: ...Something's screwy here. Anyone who comes to Hero Camp always knows that taking over kingdoms is bad... and they'd never let someone stupid enough to defy that law in... would they...?
Back in the throne room...
Mazar: *sits on throne* All these acts so far have been BORING! >: ( Honestly, I don't know how I sat through them all... -_-
Hench: Maybe going through a mental recap will help.
Mazar: No, I don't think-
Mazar's voice: CRAP, it's already started! XO
Riverdance people: *riverdance*
Mazar: >: ( Boring! *pulls lever*
Riverdance people: *fall through hole... without moving their upper bodies*
Riverdance people: *are in a river* AH! Ironically, it is very difficult to riverdance in a river!
Carrot Top: HEY! I got some stuff for ya! Look, I have a trunk full of stuff! *pulls out fake elephant's trunk* WOW, I said "trunk" and I have something that's still a trunk, but not what you were thinking of! Pretty wacky, huh? ^_^
Mazar: *tosses bomb to Carrot Top* Yeah, it's a BLAST.
Carrot Top: *catches* Oh, I get it! 'Cause you said BLAST, and-
Dr. Phil: Now, Mazar, I do not believe that you are an evil person. I believe that you have the CAPACITY to do right, you just haven't yet made the life decision necessary to-
Mazar: Nope, I'm quite evil, as my henchman shall now prove.
Dr. Phil: Mazar, you cannot rely on other people to solve your own-
Mazar: *throws Hench*
Hench: RAAA! *tackles Dr. Phil offscreen*
Dr. Phil: Now, this is what we call a negative image that you're sending to- THAT DOES NOT BEND THAT WAY!!!
Mazar: -_- Those were even more boring the second time around. Let's hope something entertaining happens to break the-
???: HALT, EVILDOER!
Mazar: FINALLY, a rebellion!
???: You have destroyed my home... taken my family... stolen all that I ever loved...
Mazar: Do what now? You're just one of those nerdy recruits! XO
Nerd: XO WE PREFER TO BE CALLED "SOCIALLY INEPT INTELLECTUALS"!
Mazar: Too bad, Nerd.
Hench: Wait, we did all that? I thought sure we just annexed that picnic table, and maybe some little cards.
Nerd: ...It's the same thing to me.
Mazar: ...That's sad. ...No, wait, actually, it's very funny.
Nerd: BUT IT ENDS HERE!!! I have acquired the one thing capable of defeating you!
Mazar: Carrot Top's brother?
Nerd: BEHOLD!!! *holds up five cards* I SUMMON... EXODIA, THE FORBIDDEN ONE!!!
Mazar: I summon PUNCH IN YOUR FACE!
Nerd: What? That's not a-
Hench: *punches face*
Nerd: *falls over* OW! T.T .......WAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!! HOW COULD YOU DEFEAT EXODIA!? HE'S AN INSTANT WIN!!!!
Mazar: -_- Whatever. *stands up* Well, Hench, looks like we're done here... let's go get some lunch and-
Dril: *bursts in through ground* HA!!!
Mazar: O_O AGAIN!?
Dril: Good DAY, newbie! *gets out of hole and stands up*
Mazar: Did you just jump down from the lower floor? Because there's no WAY that that hole could've been pre-installed or-
Dril: SILENCE! You have violated the rules of conduct of this fine institution!
Mazar: There were RULES here?
Dril: YES! If you'd read the handbook, you would have known that! But that doesn't matter now... point is, you are about to get PUNISHED! BIG TIME!!!
Mazar: ...>: ) Oh really? I'd like to see you try...
Giant robots: *lift roof off of castle*
Hench: *looks upward* That's going to be a pain to fix.
Mazar: Let's get it on. >: ) You versus me. We'll see who's got the right stuff to rule this kingdom...
Hench: The FAKE kingdom, of course.
What will happen? Will Mazar reign over the fake kingdom? Or will his kingdom become an empire and expand into OTHER fake kingdoms? Will the Nerd ever regain full control of his Yu-Gi-Oh cards? And what about that guy in the body cast? Did he ever pass his first test?
Find out in the next thrilling chapter!
Welcome to My World: Chapter 1
To Be Continued...