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Welcome to My World - 5

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Last time, on Welcome to My World...
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Hench: SAILOR HENCH POWEEEEERRRRR!!!!  *wearing a skirt*
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Braveheart CEO: What’re our turnouts fer tha fiscal year, lad!?

Braveheart Employee: *pointing to chart* We’ve ‘ad a glorious upturn in FREEDOOOOOMMMM!!!!!
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Winey: I’m sorry, okay!?  I PROMISE I won’t tell them again that you’re Mazar’s dad!

Razam: ...*facepalm*

Winey: ...CRAP!
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Hench: LEEROYJINKEN!!!!!

[Insert series of epic events too awesome for comprehension.]
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Mazar: FISH DON’T HAVE TONGUES!!!!

Fish Tongue Salesman: *sweats...*  *runs!*
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Dril: NOW YOU PANSIES ARE GOING TO... SPECIAL ED!!
________________________________________________________

Welcome to My World
Chapter 5: Boats Can't Fly
</b>
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Mazar: ...What.

Dril: YOU HEARD ME, LITTLE MAN WITH FANGS AND A CAPE LIKE A FANGED, CAPED BABY!!!  You get to go to SPECIAL Hero Camp with all the SPECIAL heroes!!!

Mazar: What!?  I’ve got to be the SINGLE person with a functional brain in this joint!  How the HECK do you put me in Special Ed!?

Dril: You cleared that dungeon FASTER than ANY other hero wannabe, maggot!

Mazar: And this is bad why!?

Dril: ALLOW ME TO DEMONSTRATE!  *holds up Barbie and Ken dolls*

Mazar: Oh gawd.

Ken: HEY THERE, MALIBU BARBIE!  I’M GONNA GO RUN THROUGH A CAVE LIKE AN IDIOT WITH HALF A BRAIN THAT’S MADE OF NOUGAT!

Barbie: MAKE SURE YOU PASS UP ALL OPPORTUNITIES FOR UPGRADES, ORLANDO KEN DOLL!

Ken: GOOD IDEA!  I’M GONNA BE A STUPIDARSE FARTFACE AND NOT PICK UP ANY OF THE BERZILLION TREASURE CHESTS SITTING OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE FOR ME!

Mazar: *pressing two fingers to forehead* Why would there be treasure chests in a –

Ken: HEY BARBIE, I’M GONNA FART OUT MY MOUTH AND ASK QUESTIONS OF MY SUPERIORS!

Barbie: HEY, ORLANDO KEN, GUESS WHAT!?

Ken: WHAT!?

Barbie: EXPLOSION!

Ken: UH OH!  *BOOM*

Barbie: HA HA!  *BOOM*

Dril: *tosses away charred doll remains*

Trainy: *ten feet away* Good thing I got away from all the action and - *hit with remains* Ow! X_x

Mazar: So you’re saying that doing efficient work is a bad thing?

Dril: The Hero’s Manual clearly specifies that ALL heroes have a right to life, laziness, and PURSUIT OF SHINY OBJECTS!  And you DID read the Hero’s Manual, didn’t you, Illiteracy Boy!?  Or do you promote ILLITERACY!?

Mazar: I promote punching you in the face.

Dril: YOU CAN’T PUNCH ME PANSY!  HERE, WATCH THE SHINY KEYS!  *jingles keys* JINGLE JANGLE JINGLE JANGLE!!!

Mazar: Clarified: I promote Hench punching you in the face.

Hench: *staring at keys and clapping* JINGLE JANGLE JINGLE JANGLE!

Mazar: Should’ve seen that coming.

Dril: Now, if you DO NOT MIND… *holds up remote button*  Time for you all to GET THE FRICK OUTTA HERE!!!  *pushes button*

*RRRRMMMMMBBBBLLLEEEEE*

As the ground rumbles, Mazar and company are lifted up… seemingly by the ground itself!  As the ground rises, it eventually falls away, revealing…

Steve: It’s… a MISSILECOPTER!

…A gigantic missile with helicopter-style propellers at its head and tail!

Mazar: It’s a… WHAT!?

Steve: *looks down at the quickly-fading ground* A missilecopter!  The jet propulsion of a missile, combined with the control capabilities of a helicopter… it’s the most advanced form of transport known to man!

Mazar: The frick!?  How does sticking propellers on something make it better!?

Steve: Works pretty well with boats.

Trainy: And mountains.

Hench: And hats!  *spins beanie*

Mazar: *swats beanie off Hench’s head*

Hench: Aww…

Back on the ground…

*FWOOOOOM*

Dril: *watches as the missilecopter jets off*  … *puts wrist communicator to face* SIR, THE DUNG HAS LEFT THE SMALL INTESTINE!  REPEAT, THE DUNG HAS LEFT THE SMALL INTESTINE!

Razam’s Voice: *pop*  Excellent.  Did you *crunch* dispatch the bounty hunter as *crunch* ordered?

Dril: ABSOLUTELY, SIR!  THEY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT’S IN STORE!

Razam’s Voice: *crunch, crunch* Perfect.  *crunch*

Dril: …Sir, what is that crunching noise!?  Are you eating something!?

Razam’s Voice: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop.

Aboard the missilecopter…

*WHOOOOOOSH*

Mazar: *hair blowing in the wind* Yeesh, this thing’s fast!  How the heck does it stay stable!?

Steve: *hood blown back* Propellers.

Mazar: Those don’t solve everything, you know.

Trainy: *falling backwards* Ah… AH! O_O  Floating… too hard… *near tail end of missilecopter* Can’t… stay… up!! T_T

Mazar: *catches Trainy*

Trainy: …O_O Mazar!  You saved me!  TuT  Oh, I didn’t know you had it in you!  I’m sorry about all the bad things I said about you, and I promise I’ll never –

Mazar: *tosses Trainy upward to a propeller* Stay.

*SHUNK*

Trainy: *stuck on propeller* O_O AH!  AH!  AAAHHHH!!!  SLICING PAIN!  AND DIZZINESS! @_@

Mazar: Huh.  Propellers DO solve some problems.

*scratch*

Mazar: …Do you hear that?

*SCRATCH*

Hench: *squatting and looking off edge of missilecopter*  I miss you, beanie…

*SCRATCH*

Hench: …!

As Hench watches, a clawed hand appears on the side of the missilecopter!  It continues to scratch, pulling its owner up as another claw appears… finally revealing…

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Name: Solo Coyote

Appearance: A bipedal wolf-man… er, coyote-man… with light armor and an extremely long, thin sword.

Likes: Going it alone

Hates: Sheep
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Solo Coyote: *pulls self atop the missilecopter* I GOTCHA NOW!!!

Hench: BEANIE!!!

Solo Coyote: *wearing beanie* …What?  *looks up at beanie* HEY!  I REFUSE to wear this symbol of an in-group!  *tosses beanie away*

Hench: NOOOOOOO!!!  *falls to hands and knees* BEANIIIIIIEEEEEE!!!!

Solo Coyote: *points sword at Mazar* AT LAST WE MEET!  AS THE GREATEST BOUNTY HUNTER IN THE LAND, IT IS NOW MY PLEASURE TO RELIEVE YOUR SHOULDERS OF ALL THAT EXCESS HEAD WEIGHT!

Mazar: *playing chess with Steve* You can’t predict crap.

Steve: I swear, you’re CHEATING!

Solo Coyote: …HEY!  I’m here to kill you!  Turn around!

Mazar: You hear something?

Steve: Only Internet fans complaining about how chess pieces couldn’t possibly stay put in this situation.

Solo Coyote: *kicks chess board away*

Mazar: *watches board fly off* Crap, and I had him in check, too.

*SHUNK*

Solo Coyote: *has sword sunk into missilecopter in front of Mazar* HEY!  PAY ATTENTION!  I AM NOT SOME PULL-STRING NPC!  IF YOU WANT TO LIVE, YOU’D BETTER –

*SLICE*

Solo Coyote: *right arm falls off*  …Ow.

Mazar: *puts away sword*  Chess is done, I’ve already won the boss fight… I’m bored now.  When’s this thing gonna land?

Steve: It’ll only land when the event’s done.

Mazar: …Meaning…?

*PUNCH*

Solo Coyote: *brings back left fist* YOU’RE NOT DONE YET!

Mazar: *reels back slightly* Oh, come ON!  You’re down an arm!  What’re you going to do, bleed on me!?

Solo Coyote: PAH!  I’m not like some OTHER bounty hunters who run away at the sight of blood!  I am DIFFERENT!  I am UNIQUE!  I am ONE-OF-A-KIND!

Mazar: I disagree; I’ve seen plenty of nutcases.

Solo Coyote: That would insult most people I take it as a COMPLIMENT!  THANK YOU SIR MAY I HAVE ANOTHER!

Mazar: You’re just quoting a different in-group.

Solo Coyote: YES WE CAN!!!   *PUNCH*

Mazar: *WHACKED*  What the… *reels back* Is he FASTER now!?

Solo Coyote: An astute observation!  MOST people would get weaker when injured!  MOST people would write in pain after getting their arm chopped off!  MOST people would bleed to death!  But no, not me… not with the power of PYHRRIC VICTOR!!!

Mazar: *to Steve* The what now?

Steve: It must be his P ability!  Evidently, he hates going with the crowd so much that his ability centers around it… what makes most weaker only makes him stronger!

Mazar: Well, that’s lovely.

Solo Coyote: So you see, my strength is bolstered by my weakness!  And likewise, I have an astounding grasp of medical knowledge… *sticks potion on spot where right arm used to be*  …Thanks to my complete lack of medical knowledge!  *sticks right arm back on, immediately sealing the wound and reattaching it*

Mazar: …I don’t… think that’s how medicine works…

Solo Coyote: PRECISELY!!!  *KICK*

Mazar: *dodges* WILL YOU STOP THAT!?

Steve: It’s no good!  We could counter, but it’d just make him stronger!

Mazar: What do I have to do, reduce him to ash!?

Steve: If he was strong sans an arm, how do you think he’d be cremated!?

Mazar: CRAP!  What’re we supposed to do!?

Do de do de do de do…

Solo Coyote: *looks up*  …Is that…

Mazar: …A guitar…?

Hench: *sitting on a chair, strumming a guitar, and wearing sunglasses over visor*

Mazar: …Hench?

Hench: When I was a young boy,

Mazar went an’ took my toys…

At first, I thought HE was a meanie…

But then I saw the guy who took my BEANIE!!!


Mazar: Hench, what’re you-

Trainy: *floats next to Hench, wearing sunglasses*  They didn’t give me a break,

Even when I made ‘em a shake!

I offered to change his tire,

But then he just set… me… on FIRE!!!


Hench: I gots me the bluuuuu-uuueeees!

Solo Coyote: My word… what is this… *slumps over*

Trainy: *next to a bowl of mac ‘n cheese* Oh, I got the bluuueeees!

Solo Coyote: They’re so… patchetic!  *falls to knees*  I could beat them… so easily!  Comparative power… so high…

Hench: *holding up blue-stained paint brush* Blue, blue, bluuueeee!

Solo Coyote: So powerful… compared to them… and therefore… *falls over* So… weak…

Trainy: *playing the saxophone*

Solo Coyote: *koff*

Hench & Trainy: WE GOT THE BLUUUUUEEEEEES!

*spotlight shines on Hench and Trainy*

Mazar: …What just happened?

Solo Coyote: *walks up to Mazar* Very well… you win.  *puts down sword*  And so… I pledge myself to you!  As your defeated opponent, I offer my services as a bounty hunter to you!  So, what do you say!?  How’d you like to have a guy like me join up!?


-> Yes

No



Mazar:


Yes
-> No



Mazar: Yeah, no.  Get lost.

Solo Coyote: EXCELLENT!  With our powers combined, there will be absolutely no force that can stand in our-

*click*

Solo Coyote: Wait, what?

Mazar: Yeah, you heard me.  You’re not wanted.  Go away.

Solo Coyote: You’re not… letting me join?

Mazar: That’s the idea.

Solo Coyote: …But thou must!

Mazar: No I musn’t.

Solo Coyote: But thou must!

Mazar: I can do what I want!

Solo Coyote: But thou must!

Mazar: STOP SAYING THAT!  *KICK*

Solo Coyote: GAH!  *falls back*  … *stands up*  Come on, why not!?

Mazar: You’re not needed!  We already have everything you can offer!  Hench is really tough, Trainy’s really annoying, and Steve’s really hairy!

Trainy: That’s right, the THREE of us are worth ONE of you!  …Wait.

Mazar: So vamoose!  Skedaddle!  Off with ya!

Solo Coyote: FINE!  I’ll leave… and NEVER COME BACK!!!  *leaps off missilecopter*

Mazar: *leans over to watch Solo Coyote fall* Y’know, most random people I see don’t come back, either.

Solo Coyote: THEN I’LL BE BACK!!!  *deploys parachute*

Mazar: …Crap.  *facepalm*

Hench: *tosses guitar away*  Well, the fame and fortune I got from playing the blues has made me not have the blues anymore.  What’ll we do now, Mazar?

Mazar: *looks ahead of the missilecopter*  Good question.  Looks like we’ve still got a long way to go on this flight… and I don’t even know where we’re going.

Steve: Good point.  All we know is that we’re going to Hero Special Ed… even I don’t know where or what that is.

Mazar: Hm… *rests chin on hand*  … Steve, get me a prophecy.

Steve: Do what now?

Mazar: A prophecy!  I want to know what’s going to happen!

Steve: Well, that could be problematic…

Mazar: *rips a page out of Trainy*

Trainy: O_O GEEYAHAAAAAA!  *slumps down* X_x

Mazar: There, you have paper.  Go.

Steve: *takes out sheet of paper* Actually, I had my own…

Trainy: WHY DIDN’T YOU USE IT BEFORE, THEN!? T_T

Steve: …But you remember how this works, right?  There’s no telling what will happen.

Mazar: I just want to know what I’m going to be up against.  I doubt knowledge could ruin anything.

Steve: *writes on Trainy’s page* Well, all right… *grumbles* But you’ve obviously never been in a sausage factory…

*STICK*

Mazar: *has “Mazar finds out about Hero Special Ed” stuck to head*

Steve: There ya go.  Now it’s just a matter of-

Mazar: *passes out*

Steve: …Uh-oh.

*BOOM*

Trainy: More uh-oh! O_O

”Warning.  Flight stabilizers malfunctioning.  Evacuate or perform emergency landing immediately.</i>

Trainy: PANIC!!!!  O_O

Suddenly, the missilecopter makes a lurching tilt… and then begins spinning wildly!

Steve: *hanging onto Trainy and the missilecopter* Oh, CRAP!  I sure as heck didn’t put anything like this in my prophecy!  …Wait… where’s Mazar!?

Hench: *hanging onto missilecopter and Mazar*  DON’T WORRY, BOSS!  I’LL SAVE YOU!!!  *punches hand into missilecopter*

*BOOM*

*BZZZZT*


Hench: …Oops.

Trainy: PANIC PANIC PANIC PANIC PANIC PANIIIIICCCCC!!!!

Steve: Dangit, Mazar…

WAKE UP!!!

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Why has Mazar passed out?

What’s wrong with the missilecopter?

How will Mazar discover his fate?

Just what IS “Hero Special Ed”?

Can Hench go five seconds without breaking something?

The answer to the last one is no!  Find the answers to everything else in the next installment of…

WELCOME TO MY WORLD!!!
Woo, a new chapter of WtMW! This one's a bit shorter than the others, I think, but that's probably for the better. Easier to read and easier to write, you see.

Personally, I had a lot of fun with this one. I'd been wanting to introduce Solo Coyote for a while now, and I think he turned out pretty darned well. :P If you liked him (which I hope you did), then don't worry... you'll be seeing more of him later, and in plenty of different ways. ;) He's just my way of taking a jab at the classic "Lone-wolf-but-not-really" stereotype so readily present in RPGs, manga, and... well, everything.

Comments and critiques are welcome and encouraged, as always. I try to scrutinize my work and perfect it as much as I can on my own, but I'll always wind up missing something. ;)


Also, +5 bonus points to anyone who spots the Earthbound reference in this chapter. :icondelightfulplz:
© 2009 - 2024 Draslushee
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Gamecubist48's avatar
Hey, I just realized that the name 'Dril' refers not only to the fact that he's a drill sergeant, but also to the fact that he drills through the ground! Even though he didn't do that in this chapter!