'Welcome to My World' - 2

Last time, on Welcome to My World...

Mazar & Hench: WE’RE IN HERO CAMP!!! O_O
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Hench: What now?

Mazar: Now we tear the place up. >: )
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King: There’s... been a coup... o_o
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Ash: I’m gonna be a Pokemon Master! ^_^
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Nerd: I summon EXODIA, THE FORBIDDEN ONE!!

Mazar: I summon PUNCH IN YOUR FACE!!

Hench: *PUNCH*
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Army from Braveheart: Ye can take our freedom... BUT YOU’LL NEVER TAKE OUR HAGGIS!!!!

Scotsman: Actually, they CAN take that.  It’s quite disgustin’ really.

Army from Braveheart: ...THEN WE KEEP OUR FREEDOM!!!!!  *MASS CHARGE*
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Mazar: So then... you seek to challenge my newly-established rule? >: )

Dril: YOU BETCHER BLOOD-SUCKIN’ BATOOTIE!

Mazar: Then let’s rock.
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Welcome to My World
Chapter 2: Never-Beginning Story </i>
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Dril: *puts on spiked gauntlets* ALL RIGHT, DUKES UP!!  We’re gonna settle this MY way!!

Mazar: No, I think not. ^_^  You’re on MY turf, see? >: )  So we play by MY rules... and that means we play MY game!

Dril: AND WHAT SISSY LITTLE GIRLY BABY PEES HER PANTS A LOT ALSO BARBIES AND DOLLIES GAME DID YOU HAVE IN MIND!?

Mazar: Oh, just the classic...
GIANT ROBOT DEATHMATCH.

Dril: SISSY ROBOTS!?  YOU’RE ON, VAMPY!!

*CRASH!!!*
Suddenly, the castle area is converted into a gigantic, Thunderdrome-style battle arena (complete with cheering spectators)!

Fans:   MA-ZAR!  MA-ZAR!  MA-ZAR

Fangirls: WE LOVE YOU MAZAR!!!! <3

Giant robot: *Mazar’s voice* Thank you, thank you!  Your praise is in no way diminished by the money I paid you to praise me!  *waves to crowd*

Hench’s Voice: Wait, how’s this work!?  AM I ON STAGE!?  HI, MOM!!!

Fans: *hold up money* HUZZAH!!!

Dril: *not in a giant robot* ALL RIGHT!!!  Let’s get this started!!  I’M GONNA GIANT ROBOT YOUR BUTT INTO NEXT-

..................

*silence*

Dril: *looks around* .........WHERE IS MY GIANT ROBOT!?

Giant robot: *Mazar’s voice again* Oh, oops.  Guess I forgot to get one for you. ^_^  Too bad, huh? >: )

Dril: Oh, you are SO gonna-

DING DING DING!!!

*in the announcer’s booth*

Pirate: Yarrr, welcome, fight fans to the first-ever MAZAR CUP GIANT ROBOT CRUSHFEST!!!

Fans: WOOOOO!!!!!

Pirate: I be yer announcer, M.C. McMatey, an’ I’m gonna give ya the play-by-play of the beatdown!!!  And now, yer fighters!!!  In the red corner, weighing in at around fifty metric tons (counting that armor)... MAZAR!!!!!

Fans: WOOHOO!!!!

Giant robot: *waves* Thank you, thank you!  You have all earned yourselves a fat bonus!  ^_^

M.C. McMatey: An’ in the blue corner, weighing in at about fifty thousand units of PUNY... DRIL!!!!!

Fans: BOOOOOO!!!!

Dril: YOUR FATE SHALL BE THE SAME AS MALIBU BARBIE!!!

M.C. McMatey: And now... LET THE FIGHT BEGIN!!!  *plays battle music*

Dril: *boxing stance* ALL RIGHT, GET OVER HERE!!  I’LL ONE-TWO YA RIGHT INTO THE GROUND!!

Giant robot: *puts spikes on fist*

Dril: YEAH, YOU KEEP DOIN’ THAT!!  *runs in*  C’MON, SHOW ME WHAT YA GOT IN THAT RUSTBUCK-

Giant robot: *FIST SMASH*

Fans: *GASP*

M.C. McMatey: OOOO, there’s a cruncher for ya!  I swear, that ‘un had more spiked punch than my eighth birthday party!

*Meanwhile, in the giant robot’s cockpit...*

Hench: Is it my turn yet!?

Mazar: NO! >: (  I want to be the one to finish him off. >: )

Hench: ...I’ll give you my cupcake...

Mazar: *ignoring* Now, what’s next... >: )  Oooo, here we go... MISSILES... *puts finger on Missiles button*

*POOF*
In a puff of smoke, a red book bearing eyes and a mouth appears!

Hench: SANTA!!!

Book: Hi, I’m Trainy! ^_^  Would you like to view the Giant Robot Fighting Tutorial?

Mazar: I most certainly would no-

Hench: YES, SANTA, WE WANT PRESENTS!!!

Mazar: O_o HENCH, THAT’S NOT SAN-

Trainy: ^_^  To control your fighting robot, move the control stick left and right!


Mazar: You be quiet; I’m gonna fire my missiles! >: (  *pushes missile button*

Nothing: *happens*

Mazar: ...O_o  Wha?  Why do the missiles not fire!?  *pounds button rapidly*

Trainy: Don’t worry, I’ll teach you how to fire missiles later! ^_^

Mazar: >_O I ALREADY KNOW HOW TO SHOOT THEM!!

Hench: Teach us more, Santa!

Trainy: ^_^  When dealing with a single opponent, a good strategy is to dodge and counterattack!

Mazar: >_< No, a good strategy is to shoot missiles at his head until he explodes!

Trainy: To jump, press the-

Mazar: *grabs Trainy* JUST SHUT UP AND UNLOCK THE MISSILES!!!  *slams Trainy into missiles button*

Trainy: *slam* OW! O_O  *slam* OW! >_O  *slam* OW! X_X

Hench: STOP HURTING SANTA!!!!  *tackles missile button*

*CRUNCH*

Control console: *crushed*

Mazar: O_O

Trainy: o_o

Hench: ...Oops.

*Meanwhile, outside...*

Giant robot: *bursts into flames*

Dril: ...YEAH!  I SO TOTALLY DID THAT!!!

M.C. McMatey: Uh-oh... Mazar seems to ‘ave encountered some technical difficulties...

*Back inside...*

Flames: *are all over the place*

Mazar: O_O *running back and forth* CRAPCRAPCRAPCRAPCRAPCRAP!!!!  WHAT DID YOU DO, HENCH!?

Hench: I wanted my own special: “HENCH SAVES CHRISTMAS!!!”

Trainy: I’M NOT SANTA!!! T_T  I’M JUST A BOOK, AND I’M TOO UNCONTROVERSIAL TO BE BURNED!!!

Hench: ...EVERYTHING I’VE KNOWN IS A LIE!!!!

Mazar: *looking around*  Dangit, the only way out is through this hole!  *points to large hole in wall*  We can’t get out through here; we’re too high up!

Hench: *stands up* OH YES WE CAN!!!

Mazar: >_O  Fine, I’ll take anything at this point!  Hench, how do we get out!?

Hench: We shall... *picks up Trainy* RIDE THE READING RAINBOW!!!

Trainy: The wha!? O_O

Mazar: >_<  Hench, that’s not REAL!  We CAN’T jump from this high up- *grabbed by Hench* >_O LEMME GO!!!

Hench: *jumps out hole with Mazar and Trainy* READING RAINBOW!!!!

Mazar & Trainy: O_O GYAAAAAHHHHH!!!!

*Outside again...*

Dril: *sees Mazar, Hench, and Trainy falling*  ...YEAH!  I DID THAT WITH MY MIND!!!

M.C. McMatey: Uh-oh, Mazar an’ Hench’ve gotten into some deep trouble!  They be fallin’ at a rapid pace towards the ground!  If they don’t get some help, they might well be done for!

Fan: *stands up* I SHALL HELP YOU, MAZAR!!!  *picks up pillow and throws it out of the stands*

Pillow: *hits giant robot*

Giant robot: *starts falling over towards Mazar and “friends”*

Fan: ...o_o Oops.

Mazar: *sees robot falling* ...Hench.. if this is the end, I want you to know... I’ve never hated anyone more than you.

Hench: *hugs Trainy and holds above head* I LOVE YOU TOO, SANTA!!!

Trainy: T_T NOT SANTA!!!

*CRASH!!!*

M.C. McMatey: OOOH, and it be crashed!  Someone go get that thing up and see if they be all ri- waitaminnit...  SOMETHIN’ BE COMIN’ OUTTA THE FLAMIN’ RUBBLE!!!

Giant robot: *falls to pieces*

Hench: *is standing with Trainy above head* ...The Reading Rainbow has more shrapnel than I remembered.

Mazar: *stands up in fire of the rubble* ...Wait, we’re alive!? O_o  How!?

Hench: *holds up Trainy* Santa’s face saved us!

Trainy: *many scratches on cover* Guh. X_x

Dril: ...*walks up to group*
... YES!  I CAN SEE IT NOW!  THEIR POWERS ARE BECOMING APPARENT!  THEY ARE BEGINNING THE ROAD TO-

Mazar: Are you supposed to be whispering? O_o  ‘Cuz you’re right there, and yelling, so it’s not very-

Dril: BE QUIET, I AM HAVING AN INTERNAL MONOLOGUE!!!

Mazar: Could you please think quieter, then?

Hench: This one time, I thought so hard that I couldn’t walk for three days.

Trainy: Face feels like ten thousand fires. X_x  Someone call a bookerdashery...

Dril: BE QUIET!  I HAVE WON, AND NOW YOU WILL GO ON YOUR QUEST LIKE A GOOD LITTLE PEON!!!

Hench: *reading Trainy* !!!  But this is the best part!!  Five more minutes, PLEASE!!!

Mazar: >_O Fine, so you win!  (I’ll kill him when these guys aren’t bugging me!)  What do we have to do now!?

Dril: GO TO THE NEXT TOWN... AND TAKE THAT BOOK WITH YOU!!

Trainy: *suddenly better* YAY! ^_^

Mazar: What!? O_o  No way, he’s useless and annoying!

Hench: Wow, so am I!  He’s like my brother!

Dril: HE WILL BE YOUR GUIDE AND YOUR NEW FRIEND!!  NOW GET GOING!!!

Trainy: TRAINY HAS JOINED THE PARTY!!! ^_^  Dedede de de de DE-DEDEEEEEEE!  Deee dee de de-deee dede de-de...  Sing it with me as we walk into the sunset! ^_^

Mazar: >_O NO!

Trainy: Sing it... >: (

Mazar: ...>_O De de de de-deeeeeeee...

All: *walk off* De de deee de-deee dede de-de de de de de-deeeeeeeeee...

Hench: Let’s do the chestnuts one next!


Dril: *watches* ...*holds wrist up to face* They are now leaving!

Voice: Good.  Commence phase two, Operation Sigma Beta Gamma.

Dril: AT ONCE, SIR!

*click*

...

Dril: ...*puts wrist to face again* SIR!

Voice: Yes?

Dril: I FORGOT WHAT THAT PLAN WAS!

Voice: ...Oh.  Then put a wall up or something... those usually work...

Dril: AFFIRMATIVE!!!

*click*

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*In the town of Beginnersburg...*

Mazar: *looking at map* ...”Beginnersburg.”  Could they SERIOUSLY not think up a better name than that? -_-;;

Trainy: ^_^  This is the first town!  Here, you can talk to the people for information or-

Mazar: *tosses Trainy away* That’s enough outta you.  C’mon, Hench, let’s see what’s here...

Hench: YAY!  *runs ahead and bumps into a man* Ow.

Mazar: >_O  Hench, you only run into people when I TELL you to!  *walks up to man* Sorry ‘bout that, he’s an idiot.

Man: ...

Mazar: ...>_O C’mon, at least say something!

Man: ...

Mazar: Oh, real mature. -_-  *picks up stick and lights it on fire* Maybe you’d like to have this shoved up your-

Man: Welcome to Beginnersburg, home of heroes!

Mazar: O_o  Wha?  I didn’t ask you anything!

Hench: I FOUND SOMETHING!!!  *points to back of the Man*

Mazar: *looks*

Man: *has a ring on his back*

Hench: Look what he can do!  *pulls on ring, thus pulling out a string*

Man: *string winds back into man’s backside* Welcome to Beginnersburg, home of heroes!

Hench: YAY!!!  *claps*  Do it again, do it again!  *pulls string*

Man: Welcome to Beginnersburg, home of heroes!

Hench: EEEEEE!!!  *claps*

Mazar: That’s just weird. O_o

Trainy: *floats up to Mazar* These are NPCs. ^_^  You can get useful information from them.

Mazar: That’s nice- wait, you can float? O_o

Trainy: I’m a book; got no legs.  It’s either this or feeble hops. ^_^

Hench: I wanna try the others!!  *runs off and pulls strings on NPCs*

Woman: So busy!  And my husband’s late for dinner, as always...

Man: Darn, I’m late for dinner again!  I’d better hurry home!  *stands in place*

Kid: Have you seen my pet piggy?

Pig: *standing next to Kid* Oink.

Hench: GLEE!!!  *runs off to pull more strings*

Mazar: It’s as though a bunch of mindless drones were placed here just for our amusement...

Trainy: Y’know, you should always stock up on items and equipment before you head out to a dangerous area. ^_^

Mazar: ...*takes out huge sword* I already have this. >: )  What more do I need?

Trainy: Just go stock up. >: (  Besides, it’ll lead you to your next clue...

Hench: *runs up carrying several NPCs* MAZAR, MAZAR!!  Can I keep ‘em, huh, huh, please!?

Mazar: >_O I’m busy right now!

Trainy: EQUIPMENT FIRST. >: (

Mazar: >_< FINE!  *walks up to equipment store* Now, you all stay here and-

Hench: *holds up NPCs* PLEASE!!!

Mazar: >_O FINE, HENCH!!

Hench: YAY!!!

Mazar: You can keep ONE NPC, but that’s it!

Hench: Aw...

Mazar: You go pick one out while I shop, okay?

Hench: YAY!  *runs off*

Mazar: Stupid book and henchman... *walks in*

*Inside the typical weapon store...*

Merchant: Well, hello there!  ^_^  We sell some of the finest weapons you’ll ever see here!

Mazar: That so, huh?  Show me what ya got, then. >: )  Preferably something in the realm of death-dealing artifacts.

Merchant: Hmmm, dunno about artifacts... but we just got a new shipment of THESE babies in... *reaches under desk*

Mazar: (Well now, maybe there’s something useful here after all...)

Merchant: TA-DA!!  A wooden sword!!  *holds up a stick*

Mazar: ...

Merchant: ...

Mazar: ...Yeah, that’s a stick.

Merchant: Fine, fine, so the wooden sword’s not up your alley... in that case, try out this wooden dagger!  *holds up smaller stick*

Mazar: >_O That’s another stick!

Merchant: Wooden knuckles!  *holds up five sticks between fingers*

Mazar: STILL STICKS!

Merchant: Wooden staff!  *holds up large stick*

Mazar: ...Okay, I’ll give you that one since staves are just sticks anyway.  But forget the weapons. -_-  Got anything in the armor category?

Merchant: Sure do!  *holds up a lump of tree bark* We just got in these fancy new Wooden Vests!

Mazar: ...You want me to wear TREE BARK? O_o

Merchant: And the Wooden Helmets to go with them!  *holds up a circle of tree bark*

Mazar: Yes, because the only thing better than having no protection is having crappy protection that gives you splinters and infections. -_-  NO THANK YOU.

Merchant: Fine, be that way.  Anywho, if you’re going into the dangerous Baka Cave, you’ll want some of this!  *points to a shelf filled with bottles of fire*

Mazar: ...You want to sell me fire.

Merchant: Absolutely!  You’ll need it to see in the Baka Cave, due to the darkness.

Mazar: Why would I BUY fire, though?  I usually get my own fire by, y’know... setting things on fire.

Merchant: Well, see, this is MAGIC fire.

Mazar: ...And I need that for the cave’s darkness WHY...?

Merchant: ...Because it’s MAGIC darkness.

Mazar: ...

Merchant: And it’s the only thing that can burn the wood.

Mazar: ...The MAGIC wood...?

Merchant: Yessiree!

Mazar: ...

Merchant: ...

A few moments later...

Store: *is on fire*

Mazar: *walks out* Okay, guys, let’s go.

Trainy: *looks* O_O What did you do!?

Mazar: He only stocked wood and fire. >: (  I only accelerated the inevitable. >: )

Hench: *runs up with an NPC* I WANT THIS ONE!!!  *puts down NPC and pulls string*

NPC: Oh, horrors!  Monsters have been pouring out of the Baka Cave lately!  Whatever you do, DO NOT go there!  You will most certainly die!

Hench: *claps* He makes funny sounds!

Trainy: Woohoo, there we go!  All right, pack your stuff; we’re going to the Baka Cave!

Mazar: O_o Wait, what!?  That guy just told us NOT to go there, what with the certain doom and all.

Trainy: ...Yeah.  That’s why we’re going there.

Mazar: But he told us NOT to go!

Trainy: ...Yes... he did.  He told us not to go, so we’re going.  What part of this do you not get? O_o

Mazar: ...>_O...

*Later, inside the cave...*

Mazar: *holding up torch* Remind me again how we got here.

Hench: Walking, yay!

Trainy: Well, we had to get here somehow! ^_^  And the overworld offered the easiest route.

Mazar: Yeah, but was all that really NECESSARY?  And why was everything out to get us!?  You’d think at least the MUSHROOMS wouldn’t be out for blood!
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Nature show host: *bends down next to mushroom* And here we have the lovely Glowcap, characterized by its bright head.  These fungi grow in many environments, and unlike many poisonous mushrooms, are perfectly safe to-

Mushroom: *bites hand*

Nature show host: O_O  *shakes hand* HOLY CRAP, GET IT OFF, GET IT OFF!!!
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Trainy: Just keep moving forward. ^_^  We’re almost there- *bumps into a wall* Ow. X_x

Hench: We’re stopping!?  Can I get ice cream, please!?

Mazar: -_-;; Dead end already?  *looks at stone wall* Geez, we barely even went anywhere, and already-

Wall: HALT, MORTALS.

Mazar: O_o What was that!?

Hench: THE MOUNTAIN KING!!!

*A stone face appears from the wall and speaks...*

Stone face: GREETINGS.  I AM THE GUARDIAN OF THIS CAVE.  IF YOU WISH TO PASS, THEN YOU MUST FIRST ANSWER MY RIDDLE...

Mazar: So we have to prove that we’re not as stupid as a rock?

Trainy: We accept your challenge!

Stone face: CHOOSE A CONTESTANT AMONG YOU.  I SHALL ASK ONE RIDDLE.  IF YOU ANSWER CORRECTLY, YOU MAY PROCEED.

Mazar: ...A riddle, huh?  Hench, you’re up. >: )

Hench: Story time, yay!  *jumps forward*

Trainy: ...Wait, I thought he was an idiot. O_o

Mazar: Just watch.  You’re gonna love this. >: )

Hench: I’m ready, Dr. Mario!

Stone face: A FARMER HAS A FOX, A CHICKEN, AND SOME CORN.  HE MUST GET ALL THREE OF THESE TO THE OTHER SIDE OF A RIVER; HOWEVER, HIS BOAT ONLY HAS ENOUGH SPACE FOR ONE AT A TIME.  THE FOX WILL EAT THE CHICKEN IF LEFT UNATTENDED, AND THE CHICKEN WILL EAT THE CORN IF LEFT UNATTENDED WITH IT.  HOW MIGHT THE FARMER TRANSPORT THESE ITEMS ACROSS?

Hench: *is attempting to pick nose, but can’t due to visor*

Trainy: Seriously, you’re SURE...

Mazar: *sitting in lawn chair, eating popcorn* B)  Oh yeah.

Hench: *still attempting to pick nose* Hmmmmm... *ding* GOT IT!

Stone face: WHAT IS YOUR ANSWER?

Hench: Wait, I have a question.  What if, while carrying the chicken or fox across, the animal takes a crap in the boat?

Stone face: ...WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING?

Hench: Well, he only has room for one object!  If the crap falls out, then wouldn’t there be another object, thus ripping a hole in the space/time continuum and dooming them all to whatever fate belies those who carry two things in one boat?

Stone face: ...FINE, CRAP DOES NOT COUNT AS ANOTHER OBJECT.

Hench: All right then, I’ve got it!

Stone face: DO GIVE YOUR ANSWER.

Hench: First, the farmer picks up the fox and allows the chicken to eat the corn.  Then he puts the chicken in the boat until it poops, thus putting the corn in the boat.  Next, he has the fox eat the chicken, and has the fox go poopy in the boat, too.  Then he makes sure he’s wearing his least favorite pants and sails across the river with the fox, chicken, and corn in tow!

Stone face: ...THAT DOES NOT WORK!

Hench: Hey, you only said they had to get across; you never said they had to be in non-crap form!

Stone face: GAH!!  THE ANIMALS CAN CRAP, BUT THEY CANNOT BE CRAP WHEN IN THE BOAT!!!

Hench: Geez, Mr. Picky... fine, I had an alternate solution anyway!

Stone face: PLEASE GIVE IT...

Hench: First, the farmer takes the chicken across, then heads to the nearest armory to buy it some scuba gear and swimmies.  The chicken is then allowed to play in the river at will, though with a concrete gate between it and the corn.  Next, the farmer brings the fox across and takes it to the nearest dojo, where it will learn the ancient and forbidden arts of ninjutsu.  Upon learning these powerful magics, the fox will break down the concrete wall while simultaneously causing the river to arch into a neighboring suburb.  The suburb, having been in an intense drought, would be more than happy to supply the farmer with a second boat, which would carry the concrete wall’s rubble across so that it’s out of the way of the farmer.  Finally, the farmer simply tosses the chicken over with his gigantic muscles, and carries the corn across via the boat.  Then they all get a cottage in Konohagakure and live happily ever after, sharing ninja adventures with each other.  The farmer would be known as Kakashi, the fox as Kiba, the chicken as Naruto, and the corn as Sasuke.

Stone face: ...WHAT THE HECK!?  DID YOU NOT THINK THAT MAYBE HE COULD JUST CARRY THEM ACROSS IN A CERTAIN COMBINATION!?

Hench: Well, that would just overcomplicate things.

Stone face: ...I DON’T... THAT’S... IT’S NOT... IT DOESN’T... GUUUUAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

*KABOOM!!!!!!!!!

Wall: *is in pieces*

Mazar: *stands up and pokes rocks* ...Hm... there are still a few foot-wide pieces.  You’ve gotten rusty, buddy.

Hench: Aw...

Trainy: ...WOW.  O_o  That’s the freakiest thing I’ve ever seen... and I’m a friggin’ talking book...

Mazar: So that’s it, then?  We’re done here, right?

Voice: WRONG!!!

Mazar: >_< Gah, not another one!

*From the shadows steps a new figure... an old man covered with a bright red cloak...*

Mysterious old man: *grinning* Hehe... you’ve travelled far to get here... but you’re STILL just neophytes!!!

Mazar: *takes out sword*  Wanna bet? >: )

Hench: *cracks knuckles* Punching is my favorite!

Trainy: *glares menacingly* >: (  ...T_T Dangit, I need a weapon.

Mysterious old man: Don’t worry, I’m not here to stop you... I’m here to help you!  You won’t be able to get through this cave as you are, you see...

Mazar: -_-  And what else do we need, geezer?

Mysterious old man: Before you can continue... you must learn... *swiftly points at the group*

“TO HOLD IN YOUR P!!!!”

Mysterious old man: *still pointing*

Mazar: .........

Hench: ............

Trainy: ...............

Mysterious old man: *pointing still* ............

Mazar: *falls to floor* GYA-HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!  OH GAH... GAH-HAHAHAHAHA!!!!  *rolls on floor laughing*  C-CAN’T STOP... AH-HAHAHA, HA, HA, HAHAHAHAHA!!!!
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What is next in store for our heroes!?  What does this old man mean when he tells Mazar to hold in his P!?  Who was Dril talking to way back when!?  WILL MAZAR EVER STOP LAUGHING!?

Mazar’s Voice: HE... EHEHE... GAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  OH... I CAN’T STOP IT... GAHAHAHAHA...

Find out next time, in the thrilling Chapter 3 of... WELCOME TO MY WORLD!!!

To be continued...