American History - by America

In the beginning, there was only a void.

A vast, empty void in which no life could possibly thrive.

But then life DID thrive.

From absolutely nowhere and for no reason at all, cavemen emerged from puddles of goo and proceeded to populate the Earth.  But having just emerged from said goo, they were without direction, thought, or purpose.  For around eighty billion years, the cavemen did absolutely nothing except fight dinosaurs with rocks, poke things with rocks, and star in animated sitcoms where everything was made out of rocks.

But one day, a lone cavemen, while etching on one rock with another rock, discovered something incredible.  Having tried to draw a random stick figure too quickly, he broke the rock upon which he was sketching!  Underneath it, he found a giant, unbelievable stone... a stone which glowed in the glorious colors of red, white, and blue!  A stone which bore thirteen stripes, a grand, blue field, and fifty magnificent stars!

The caveman ran back to his village, carrying the stone high above his head and proclaiming its infinite wonder to all his villagers!  His friends and kinfolk gathered around, and within moments, the intense radiation from the stone caused all of the cavemen in the area to evolve at an extremely rapid pace, thus turning them into the X-Men!  Using their incredible eye lasers, weather powers, and various other destructive skills, these brave souls transformed the land from a barren, uninhabitable land to a lush, glorious paradise filled with fast cars, delicious beer, hot chicks in bikinis, and hot chicks in bikinis drinking delicious beer while sitting atop fast cars!

And thus was born...

AMERICA!!!!!!

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For the next thousand years or so after America’s creation, absolutely nothing happened.  But then, as the era of ancient history drew to a close, the Egyptians began to panic.  They realized that since they were getting so close to the point in time where BC years would end, they had to adopt radical changes to advance their amazing “stones-on-top-of-stones” technology!  To this end, the many Pharaohs and Pharaohesses of Egypt invented the worst evil the world had ever seen...

COMMUNISM.

Touting equality for all peoples in life and death, the Egyptian Commies decided that all people should be tossed into circular tombs so that no one would feel bad about having a pointier grave than anyone else.  However, because they couldn’t figure out how to make a dome out of square blocks, they decided to make pyramids instead.  Once they decided to make pyramids, then Egyptian “Make Big Spiky Things To Put Dead People In” project commenced... or at least, it WOULD have if all the Egyptian Commies didn’t INSIST on wasting all their work time filling up the blocks with their crappy drawings of birds, faces, and squiggly lines!  To complete their project, they had to seek outside help... and because no one in the world wanted to help a bunch of dirty Commies, they decided to FORCE others to help.

Thus, under the rule of the Evil Pharaoh Tutenhitlerstalin IV, Egpyt conquered the entire world.

But their rule would not last, for they failed to note the incredible power of Eastern America, which was ruled by Alexander the Great, who ALSO ruled the entire world!  With the help of his best friend, Genghis Khan, who ruled the world in addition to Alexander the Great and Tutenhitlerstalin, Eastern America and the rest of the world proceeded to beat Egypt back into its own pointy tombs!  With the evil Commie Egyptians destroyed, the enslaved peoples returned to their homelands.  The Italians were of primary note, as they returned to Europe and formed the Roman Empire, which eventually came to rule the world.

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After the Roman Empire exploded due to one emperor’s cruddy fiddle-playing, a bunch of people got together and said “Hey, you know what would be fun?  The Middle Ages!”  And thus the Middle Ages began, and everyone wore puffy shirts with gigantic collars, and all of Europe began to talk really, really funny.  In addition, at around 600 AD, a meteor struck Europe and caused everyone in the world to forget how to read and bathe!  Thus, without baths to clean themselves or written instructions on how to cure their amnesia, most of Europe died to the Bubonic Plague.

Spain, however, was safe, due to the large number of Spanish Americans who had been living there ever since Indians kicked them out of America after Americans had kicked them out of India for being dirty Commies.

Having been trapped in a cheap Mexico knockoff for years, the Spanish Americans finally got a chance to escape in 1492, when Christopher Columbus built the Mayflower to return them all to their native land!  Now, in this period of time, the Earth was entirely flat due to an evil Communist plot to force all points on Earth to have the same level of elevation.  So, during the voyage to America, Christopher Columbus turned into the Incredible Hulk and bent the Earth back the shape of a sphere!  Thanks to his brave acts, Columbus allowed the world to rotate around the sun once more, thereby allowing days, months, and years to be invented!  To commemorate our planet’s glorious shape and its effects, we now mark all important dates on the calendar with a bright, perfect circle!

Upon landing in America, Columbus and his friendly Pilgrim allies met with the Indians, who got so incredibly scared at the sight of them that they welcomed the Americans with open arms!  With the help of Squanto, an Indian who had used his amazing telepathy to learn how to speak English, the Indians invited the Americans to a Thanksgiving party, in which they would all consume vast quantities of maize, which is Indian for Sam Adams Beer!

A few years later, England decided that they wanted to wreck America’s fun!  So they sent over armies of men to distract the American people with their powdered wigs, shiny belt buckles, and powdered wigs' shiny belt buckles!  After gaining the trust of the Americans, they tried to stage a hostile takeover of our great nation by forcing us all to drink our tea without any ice in it!  To counter the British invasion, we elected George Washington to be our first President and General, and he promptly proceeded to enact ”Operation: Kick England’s Pasty White Tush!”

To begin the operation, George Washington decided to hit England where it hurt the most: in the tea!  Using advanced disguise technology borrowed from the Indians, several Americans snuck onto an English tea ship and dumped all the tea into the ocean while the guards were asleep from drinking too much tea!  Finally, just to show the English just how much Americans loved ice in their tea, George Washington used his wooden teeth to break off a chunk of the polar ice cap, then dumped the ice into the harbor, thus creating the world’s largest supply of iced tea!  Afterwards, there was a lot of Polar Ice Cap left, so George Washington picked up the spare ice, dragged it to the north end of the continent, and set it down there, where it would later be inhabited by beavers and mooses to form Canada!

With the British sent home crying after their painful loss of tea, the Americans were able to turn their attention to a bigger threat: COMMIES.  Much to the dismay of the glorious nation, there were hordes of Commies right at their doorstep in the form of the Indians, who had decided to betray the capitalist state during the long revolution!  Because they didn’t want their homeland to be taken over by the native Indians, the Americans swept across the nation, gallantly wiping out Commie civilization wherever it stood, all thanks to the brave efforts of noble souls such as Buffalo Bill, Jesse James, Davie Crocket, Boo Radley, and Captain Planet!

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Many ages later, America had firmly secured its position as the greatest nation EVER, not only on the Earth, but in the entire dang universe!  The entire world looked up to America, and everyone loved us!  But then a bunch of Germans decided to be jerks and make lots of people hate us, and thus was begun World War I, thus named because we knew that Germany would decide to ruin everyone’s fun again some other time in the future.

Once America invaded Germany, we proceeded to demolish all their troops effortlessly.  Since Thomas Edison and Benjamin Franklin had recently invented electricity, our soldiers were able to watch MSNBC to carefully track all enemy movements.  As they marched on Berlin, the American soldiers became angered as they watched the Germans commit horrible atrocities, such as taking credit for our delicious Sam Adams Beer!  After reaching the German capitol, World War I finally ended when our American ninjas killed Hitler with their missile swords, which stabbed him, then blew him to smithereens!

The peace did not last, however!  Shortly after WWI ended, the Commies decided to start World War II by resurrecting Hitler as a zombie and using him to control an entire army of Evil Communist Nazi Sam Adams Beer Zombies™!  With the new, burgeoning zombie army afoot, the Germans decided to form a Commie alliance, banding together all the Communist nations to form one Super Incredible Unstoppable Axis of Doom™!  The Germans strategically garnered support from many nations: The Chinese for their super-fast take-out, the Italians for their sausage, and the Japanese for their awesome, dancing robots.  With the combined support of the nations, Zombie Hitler assembled his forces and amassed them all on the flying island fortress nation of Japan.

The Americans, sensing the imminent threat, immediately sent their best soldiers, ninjas, missiles, and laser beams to Japan to defeat the Commie alliance!  The Super Incredible Unstoppable Axis of Doom™ also countered with its greatest generals, including Zombie Hitler, Cyborg Mussolini, Sun Tzu, Dr. Doom!  As the Americans flew towards the island fortress, the Japanese tried to trick us into thinking there weren’t Communists... but they gave themselves away when they sent their COMMIEkaze soldiers after us!  Though this surprise attack might have worked, but as it turns out, their pilots were too busy watching crappy cartoons about androgynous teenage boys to learn how to fly their planes, and thus crashed all of them into the water!  Finally, the war came to an end when Superman, Captain America, and Robocop destroyed Zombie Hitler and the reactors that were allowing Japan to float in the air!  By carefully using missiles and bombs, the Americans were able to guide Japan’s descent into the ocean near Hawaii, where all of the Commies upon it were destroyed, and where we could keep a better eye on it from that point forward!

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But even with all these major Commie powers down, there remained one final stronghold... RUSSIA.  The cowardly Russians tried to trick us into thinking they weren’t Commies during WWII with such despicable tactics as fighting the same enemies as us and supplying us with aid in the war effort.  But not to be fooled, we Americans launched the only war they would understand... a Cold War!  Our mission during this time period was simply to prove that we could do everything better than Commies could, including freezing to death!

And once our top hikers had climbed Mount Everest, we proved we HAD survived the coldest temperatures on Earth!  With nowhere else to turn, the Commies decided that in order to top us, they’d have to go OUTSIDE Earth, and all the way to the moon!  Not to be outdone, FDR promptly invented NASA and ordered them to build an awesome rocket to take people to the moon.  And, as chronicled in the movie Apollo 13, they succeeded with absolutely no cost to the American people when they figured out that they could stretch Neil Armstrong’s arms all the way to the moon, thus securing America’s property on the moon and creating the inspiration for the Stretch Armstrong toy simultaneously!

With their hopes of reaching the moon crushed, all the Communists in Russia cried so hard that the entire nation was flooded!  Once their surrounding allies heard about what crybabies the Russians were, they all decided to leave the pathetic entity known as the USSR (United Sissy Sasquatch Russianskis).  With the Sissy Union broken, America had finally secured its victory and destroyed Communism forever!

But then Korea became Communist, but we kicked their butts and destroyed Communism forever again!

But then Vietnam became Communist, and we kicked their butts and destroyed Communism forever again again!

But then Iraq became Communist, and we’re currently in the process of kicking their butts in order to destroy Communism forever for real this time!

Because we’re America,</b> and we NEVER lose a battle!  Some people may say we’ve lost battles, but history is the judge of all... and our history books don’t show any lost battles, so we must not have lost any!  We are AMERICA!  We are those who keep peace in the world, whether you like it or not!

And rest assured, if you ever do ANYTHING wrong, we’ll tell you and promptly correct you!  Because we love helping people, even when they don’t think they need help.  We’re altruistic like that.  And most importantly, remember that if you’re ever in need of anything, especially if you suspect someone in your government is corrupt... just tell your problems to the nearest wall, phone booth, flowerpot, or mirror.

We’ll hear you.

Because we’re...

AMERICA!!!!!!!