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In the beginning, there was only a void.

A vast, empty void in which no life could possibly thrive.

But then life DID thrive.

From absolutely nowhere and for no reason at all, cavemen emerged from puddles of goo and proceeded to populate the Earth.  But having just emerged from said goo, they were without direction, thought, or purpose.  For around eighty billion years, the cavemen did absolutely nothing except fight dinosaurs with rocks, poke things with rocks, and star in animated sitcoms where everything was made out of rocks.

But one day, a lone cavemen, while etching on one rock with another rock, discovered something incredible.  Having tried to draw a random stick figure too quickly, he broke the rock upon which he was sketching!  Underneath it, he found a giant, unbelievable stone... a stone which glowed in the glorious colors of red, white, and blue!  A stone which bore thirteen stripes, a grand, blue field, and fifty magnificent stars!

The caveman ran back to his village, carrying the stone high above his head and proclaiming its infinite wonder to all his villagers!  His friends and kinfolk gathered around, and within moments, the intense radiation from the stone caused all of the cavemen in the area to evolve at an extremely rapid pace, thus turning them into the X-Men!  Using their incredible eye lasers, weather powers, and various other destructive skills, these brave souls transformed the land from a barren, uninhabitable land to a lush, glorious paradise filled with fast cars, delicious beer, hot chicks in bikinis, and hot chicks in bikinis drinking delicious beer while sitting atop fast cars!

And thus was born...



For the next thousand years or so after America’s creation, absolutely nothing happened.  But then, as the era of ancient history drew to a close, the Egyptians began to panic.  They realized that since they were getting so close to the point in time where BC years would end, they had to adopt radical changes to advance their amazing “stones-on-top-of-stones” technology!  To this end, the many Pharaohs and Pharaohesses of Egypt invented the worst evil the world had ever seen...


Touting equality for all peoples in life and death, the Egyptian Commies decided that all people should be tossed into circular tombs so that no one would feel bad about having a pointier grave than anyone else.  However, because they couldn’t figure out how to make a dome out of square blocks, they decided to make pyramids instead.  Once they decided to make pyramids, then Egyptian “Make Big Spiky Things To Put Dead People In” project commenced... or at least, it WOULD have if all the Egyptian Commies didn’t INSIST on wasting all their work time filling up the blocks with their crappy drawings of birds, faces, and squiggly lines!  To complete their project, they had to seek outside help... and because no one in the world wanted to help a bunch of dirty Commies, they decided to FORCE others to help.

Thus, under the rule of the Evil Pharaoh Tutenhitlerstalin IV, Egpyt conquered the entire world.

But their rule would not last, for they failed to note the incredible power of Eastern America, which was ruled by Alexander the Great, who ALSO ruled the entire world!  With the help of his best friend, Genghis Khan, who ruled the world in addition to Alexander the Great and Tutenhitlerstalin, Eastern America and the rest of the world proceeded to beat Egypt back into its own pointy tombs!  With the evil Commie Egyptians destroyed, the enslaved peoples returned to their homelands.  The Italians were of primary note, as they returned to Europe and formed the Roman Empire, which eventually came to rule the world.

After the Roman Empire exploded due to one emperor’s cruddy fiddle-playing, a bunch of people got together and said “Hey, you know what would be fun?  The Middle Ages!”  And thus the Middle Ages began, and everyone wore puffy shirts with gigantic collars, and all of Europe began to talk really, really funny.  In addition, at around 600 AD, a meteor struck Europe and caused everyone in the world to forget how to read and bathe!  Thus, without baths to clean themselves or written instructions on how to cure their amnesia, most of Europe died to the Bubonic Plague.

Spain, however, was safe, due to the large number of Spanish Americans who had been living there ever since Indians kicked them out of America after Americans had kicked them out of India for being dirty Commies.

Having been trapped in a cheap Mexico knockoff for years, the Spanish Americans finally got a chance to escape in 1492, when Christopher Columbus built the Mayflower to return them all to their native land!  Now, in this period of time, the Earth was entirely flat due to an evil Communist plot to force all points on Earth to have the same level of elevation.  So, during the voyage to America, Christopher Columbus turned into the Incredible Hulk and bent the Earth back the shape of a sphere!  Thanks to his brave acts, Columbus allowed the world to rotate around the sun once more, thereby allowing days, months, and years to be invented!  To commemorate our planet’s glorious shape and its effects, we now mark all important dates on the calendar with a bright, perfect circle!

Upon landing in America, Columbus and his friendly Pilgrim allies met with the Indians, who got so incredibly scared at the sight of them that they welcomed the Americans with open arms!  With the help of Squanto, an Indian who had used his amazing telepathy to learn how to speak English, the Indians invited the Americans to a Thanksgiving party, in which they would all consume vast quantities of maize, which is Indian for Sam Adams Beer!

A few years later, England decided that they wanted to wreck America’s fun!  So they sent over armies of men to distract the American people with their powdered wigs, shiny belt buckles, and powdered wigs' shiny belt buckles!  After gaining the trust of the Americans, they tried to stage a hostile takeover of our great nation by forcing us all to drink our tea without any ice in it!  To counter the British invasion, we elected George Washington to be our first President and General, and he promptly proceeded to enact ”Operation: Kick England’s Pasty White Tush!”

To begin the operation, George Washington decided to hit England where it hurt the most: in the tea!  Using advanced disguise technology borrowed from the Indians, several Americans snuck onto an English tea ship and dumped all the tea into the ocean while the guards were asleep from drinking too much tea!  Finally, just to show the English just how much Americans loved ice in their tea, George Washington used his wooden teeth to break off a chunk of the polar ice cap, then dumped the ice into the harbor, thus creating the world’s largest supply of iced tea!  Afterwards, there was a lot of Polar Ice Cap left, so George Washington picked up the spare ice, dragged it to the north end of the continent, and set it down there, where it would later be inhabited by beavers and mooses to form Canada!

With the British sent home crying after their painful loss of tea, the Americans were able to turn their attention to a bigger threat: COMMIES.  Much to the dismay of the glorious nation, there were hordes of Commies right at their doorstep in the form of the Indians, who had decided to betray the capitalist state during the long revolution!  Because they didn’t want their homeland to be taken over by the native Indians, the Americans swept across the nation, gallantly wiping out Commie civilization wherever it stood, all thanks to the brave efforts of noble souls such as Buffalo Bill, Jesse James, Davie Crocket, Boo Radley, and Captain Planet!


Many ages later, America had firmly secured its position as the greatest nation EVER, not only on the Earth, but in the entire dang universe!  The entire world looked up to America, and everyone loved us!  But then a bunch of Germans decided to be jerks and make lots of people hate us, and thus was begun World War I, thus named because we knew that Germany would decide to ruin everyone’s fun again some other time in the future.

Once America invaded Germany, we proceeded to demolish all their troops effortlessly.  Since Thomas Edison and Benjamin Franklin had recently invented electricity, our soldiers were able to watch MSNBC to carefully track all enemy movements.  As they marched on Berlin, the American soldiers became angered as they watched the Germans commit horrible atrocities, such as taking credit for our delicious Sam Adams Beer!  After reaching the German capitol, World War I finally ended when our American ninjas killed Hitler with their missile swords, which stabbed him, then blew him to smithereens!

The peace did not last, however!  Shortly after WWI ended, the Commies decided to start World War II by resurrecting Hitler as a zombie and using him to control an entire army of Evil Communist Nazi Sam Adams Beer Zombies™!  With the new, burgeoning zombie army afoot, the Germans decided to form a Commie alliance, banding together all the Communist nations to form one Super Incredible Unstoppable Axis of Doom™!  The Germans strategically garnered support from many nations: The Chinese for their super-fast take-out, the Italians for their sausage, and the Japanese for their awesome, dancing robots.  With the combined support of the nations, Zombie Hitler assembled his forces and amassed them all on the flying island fortress nation of Japan.

The Americans, sensing the imminent threat, immediately sent their best soldiers, ninjas, missiles, and laser beams to Japan to defeat the Commie alliance!  The Super Incredible Unstoppable Axis of Doom™ also countered with its greatest generals, including Zombie Hitler, Cyborg Mussolini, Sun Tzu, Dr. Doom!  As the Americans flew towards the island fortress, the Japanese tried to trick us into thinking there weren’t Communists... but they gave themselves away when they sent their COMMIEkaze soldiers after us!  Though this surprise attack might have worked, but as it turns out, their pilots were too busy watching crappy cartoons about androgynous teenage boys to learn how to fly their planes, and thus crashed all of them into the water!  Finally, the war came to an end when Superman, Captain America, and Robocop destroyed Zombie Hitler and the reactors that were allowing Japan to float in the air!  By carefully using missiles and bombs, the Americans were able to guide Japan’s descent into the ocean near Hawaii, where all of the Commies upon it were destroyed, and where we could keep a better eye on it from that point forward!


But even with all these major Commie powers down, there remained one final stronghold... RUSSIA.  The cowardly Russians tried to trick us into thinking they weren’t Commies during WWII with such despicable tactics as fighting the same enemies as us and supplying us with aid in the war effort.  But not to be fooled, we Americans launched the only war they would understand... a Cold War!  Our mission during this time period was simply to prove that we could do everything better than Commies could, including freezing to death!

And once our top hikers had climbed Mount Everest, we proved we HAD survived the coldest temperatures on Earth!  With nowhere else to turn, the Commies decided that in order to top us, they’d have to go OUTSIDE Earth, and all the way to the moon!  Not to be outdone, FDR promptly invented NASA and ordered them to build an awesome rocket to take people to the moon.  And, as chronicled in the movie Apollo 13, they succeeded with absolutely no cost to the American people when they figured out that they could stretch Neil Armstrong’s arms all the way to the moon, thus securing America’s property on the moon and creating the inspiration for the Stretch Armstrong toy simultaneously!

With their hopes of reaching the moon crushed, all the Communists in Russia cried so hard that the entire nation was flooded!  Once their surrounding allies heard about what crybabies the Russians were, they all decided to leave the pathetic entity known as the USSR (United Sissy Sasquatch Russianskis).  With the Sissy Union broken, America had finally secured its victory and destroyed Communism forever!

But then Korea became Communist, but we kicked their butts and destroyed Communism forever again!

But then Vietnam became Communist, and we kicked their butts and destroyed Communism forever again again!

But then Iraq became Communist, and we’re currently in the process of kicking their butts in order to destroy Communism forever for real this time!

Because we’re America,</b> and we NEVER lose a battle!  Some people may say we’ve lost battles, but history is the judge of all... and our history books don’t show any lost battles, so we must not have lost any!  We are AMERICA!  We are those who keep peace in the world, whether you like it or not!

And rest assured, if you ever do ANYTHING wrong, we’ll tell you and promptly correct you!  Because we love helping people, even when they don’t think they need help.  We’re altruistic like that.  And most importantly, remember that if you’re ever in need of anything, especially if you suspect someone in your government is corrupt... just tell your problems to the nearest wall, phone booth, flowerpot, or mirror.

We’ll hear you.

Because we’re...

Happy Fifth, everyone! This is the American account of American history that I whipped up in honor of all the wonderful things about this great nation. :D

All right, so it's actually a parody of how ethnocentric Americans tend to be and our limited views of how the world plays out. :P America's great anyway, though! C'mon, cheer for America!

And yes, I got through the ENTIRE thing without once saying "In America!" ...Oh, wait... CRAP.

Don't sue me, LittleKuriboh! D:
Add a Comment:
Devin-Trinidad Featured By Owner May 19, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I have got to show my World History teacher this! XD You sir, are a true American!
HeWalksInBeauty Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
And now, we must not elect Obama to destroy communism for real this time again!
ahiekkaranta Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2011
haha clever. so many things to say about america. but im scared theyll kick my butt for it..
Dooplisselle-Koopa Featured By Owner Jun 29, 2010
Screw what everyone says, I'm showing this to my next American History teacher! :C

Great job on this~
Draslushee Featured By Owner Jul 7, 2010
Excellent! Thanks much. :D Let me know how your History teacher reacts, yeah? :P
Dooplisselle-Koopa Featured By Owner Jul 7, 2010
Okay :V I will.
Nobody-said-so Featured By Owner Jun 17, 2010

There were so many things about this that made me laugh! The only thing I'm puzzled about is why this doesn't have more favorites.
Draslushee Featured By Owner Jul 7, 2010
I'm just glad to have one more favorite. :P Thanks for that, and thanks even more for leaving a comment! Good to see this is still getting out to people. :)
Stormsworder Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2009  Student Writer
This is still one of your most hilarious things ever... :P *faves*
blondeewolf Featured By Owner May 24, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
marry me
Draslushee Featured By Owner May 25, 2009
Only if the ceremony is held...


blondeewolf Featured By Owner May 25, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
fuck yeah!! Where do you live? I want a wedding in the country, oh there is SOO many people to invite! :iconmarrymeplz:
Draslushee Featured By Owner May 29, 2009
I live somewhere between Maine and Florida. :P
blondeewolf Featured By Owner May 29, 2009  Hobbyist Writer
Interesting! I live somewhere between California and Virginia =P
TheeLinker Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2008  Student General Artist
Wow! I always thought my ice-country came about from Pangea, but it was AMERICA! I should have known. We couldn't have been so close to them for so long if they didn't have SOME sort of emotional attachment.

Also, I WOULD have appreciated the Boo Radley part, if I hadn't missed it my first read-through. Seriously, I saw every other name in the list. It was like "Buffalo Bill, Jesse James, Davie Crockett HEY A BOLD WORD MUST LOOK"

Curse those commies for creating the undeniably evil power of distraction! You know that's the only reason they ever got anywhere. People were dubious of the whole system until they saw the cool red uniforms, forgot what they were doing, and joined.

Anyways, very cool! I love it when something awesome and funny comes from just a whim. :D
Blanke Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2008
All in all, I love how this takes such a black and white approach to America-centric history, it's always AMERICA, masters of the universe, and anything that goes wrong is always those dirty commies. There's also some good playing off of contradictions here, but they get quickly brushed aside in the hopes that somebody won't notice. :iconiseewhatyoudidthere: with the single sentences for Korea, Vietnam, and Iraq, compared to several paragraphs each on WWII and the Cold War.

Now let's get down to business. I'll CTRL+C, CTRL+V in some of the highlights that stood out to me.
-"the cavemen did absolutely nothing except fight dinosaurs with rocks, poke things with rocks, and star in animated sitcoms where everything was made out of rocks." (Nice anaphora, repeating the rock theme, and checking to see who's still paying attention. )
-"a lush, glorious paradise filled with fast cars, delicious beer, hot chicks in bikinis, and hot chicks in bikinis drinking delicious beer while sitting atop fast cars!" (Real American icons, piled up into one delicious stack. :P )
-"the Egyptian Commies decided that all people should be tossed into circular tombs so that no one would feel bad about having a pointier grave than anyone else." (Plays off of the "pointless priveleges" of extreme liberalism, and inflates them. )
-"Thus, under the rule of the Evil Pharaoh Tutenhitlerstalin IV, Egpyt conquered the entire world." (LOLNO, but LOL more at the simple sound of "Tutenhitlerstalin". It actually sounds more German than Egyptian though.)
-"George Washington used his wooden teeth to break off a chunk of the polar ice cap" (Great visual. )
-Recurring references to Sam Adams beer, because it doesn't get much more patriotic than an alcoholic beverage named after a Son of Liberty. (Not the MGS2 kind... )
-Recurring Communism references, always with the perjorative term, "Commie". :P (Because they suck that hard. )
-"all thanks to the brave efforts of noble souls such as Buffalo Bill, Jesse James, Davie Crocket, Boo Radley, and Captain Planet!"
(Captain Planet alone would have done it. But bonus points for Jesse James, considering he was actually a bad guy, and more for Boo Radley. Though I doubt most people reading this are familar with To Kill A Mockingbird. :P )
-American Ninjas with missile swords. 'Nuff said. If that doesn't inspire you, then you don't have any imagination. I actually started trying to draw one in the margin of the paper I printed this out on.
-"too busy watching crappy cartoons about androgynous teenage boys to learn how to fly their planes" (Just had to get a jab at anime in there somewhere with Japan. Otherwise it wouldn't be fair. )
-Mentioning Robocop, Superman, and Captain America in one sentence. Because superheroes really don't get much more AMERICAN than that. Besides Chuck Norris, but I think that mentioning him would've narrowed the appeal of this, considering some people have no humor, and decided to start hating Chuck Norris jokes.

However, there was one sentence that confused me a bit:
At some point during the colonial period in this piece, you mentioned "their powdered wigs shiny belt buckles." Did you forget an "'s", or an "and"? (I could see "their powdered wig's shiny belt buckles" actually working here, for that extra dash of over-the-top ingredients like the missile swords and King Tutenhitlerstalin.)

Other than that, I can't think of anything too technical to critique here. You don't fall into the common traps like pronoun abuse, and dependence on "to be" verbs. The only thing you could have used to further enhance the textbook mock-up style for this would be some footnotes and a glossary; if only to make darn sure that Our Fellow Americans all see this in the right "patriotic" mindset. (IN AMERICA! )
Draslushee Featured By Owner Aug 15, 2008
Thanks for the comment/critique! It's always good to know which parts are getting the most LOLs. :P It's also good to know that someone's getting the more obscure references in there... not everyone will get the Boo Radley stuff. :P (Though they will if they've taken high school or college English, most likely...) Personally, I'm quite proud of all the cultured, more subtle jabs I fit in between all the inane craziness. :P

As for the "powdered wigs shiny belt buckles," I forgot an "and." You idea was good too, though, so if you'll notice, I changed it to "powdered wigs, whiny belt buckles, and powdered wigs' shiny belt buckles." :P

And if I ever do put this into a "textbook" format, I'll be sure to include said footnotes and glossary. :P DANG, that would be fun to do, too...
Blanke Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2008
Critique comming soon to a Blanke Imperial Advisor's mailbox near you, but first I have to say that I don't see how this is supposed to be satire- everything sounds 100% accurate to me. Especially those darned Egyptian Communists trying to steal our Sam Adams Beer. :P
Draslushee Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2008
They do say that the truth is sometimes stranger than fiction. :P
Nickname-Squeaky Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2008
You are by far the best historian EVER.
Draslushee Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2008
Thanks for the comment!

I do try to maintain as accurate an account of history as possible. Still, I AM troubled by the lack of appearances by Spider-Man in our history.
Gamecubist48 Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2008
Wow! I nearly cried from laughing so hard. Especially at the "Boo Radley" part. Kudos to you!
Draslushee Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2008
Thanks for the comment! I always loves me some laughter. :P
controlofthenight Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2008
You made me laugh a little. Nice history lesson.
Draslushee Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2008
Thanks for the comment! Good to know that I'm evoking some giggles. :P
controlofthenight Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2008
Yeah I like your satire.
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